he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
