he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
