I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I will be naked everywhere
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize