he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
there is glitter all over my balls
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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