Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize