i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
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