This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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