just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
