you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
