he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
