I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
