all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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