My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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