I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
