Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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