Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
