Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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