New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize