worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If I die, sorry about rent.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
