i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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