I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
