HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
