dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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