Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
