I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
