So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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