Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
