Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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