im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
