Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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