my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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