So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
