you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
