I wish I could teleport
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize