he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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