i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
