I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
