just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
