dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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