she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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