my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
