My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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