Life is so much better after having sex.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
