I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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