my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
