I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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