A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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