Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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