A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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