listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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