you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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