If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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