We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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