I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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