My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You know, be my cock's hype man.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize