Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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