she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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