your parents love me but you hate me
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
