You smell like stripper and shame
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
