yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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