There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
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