i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He did a backflip because drugs
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
