saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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