Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
