forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
