my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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