The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
