I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
